He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.