I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired