There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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