I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.