I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i can juggle bunnies
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf