i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
