I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out