There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls