today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.