The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.