I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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