He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.