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I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
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