you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My room smells like vodka and shame
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.