dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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