You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.