Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
