Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section