They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.