My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
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Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
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wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.