Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.