Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
