when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.