i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
