On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
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when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.