Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.