You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick