it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.