You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.