Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
