I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy