My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?