i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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