he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.