census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
