my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.