my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.