You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
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When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey