Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
