I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm fucking your sister right now.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.