I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"