If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.