composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
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I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"