this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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