I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
