I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
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Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
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I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".