I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
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Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
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I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Even my vagina gasped.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...