when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.