Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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