i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
