mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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