the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.