He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd