When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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